Staying In Touch With Reality

December 10, 2015
By: Brigitte Ulses

I often have long, complicated daydreams where my mind wanders to all sorts of interesting places and times. During one of these dreams, I often think about how isolated we are in the world we live in, especially when we are young adults diagnosed with cancer. We don’t know our life plans, are having a terrible time in the dating world, we’re still trying to make friends and now we have to survive.

When I was diagnosed at 14 with a benign spinal cord tumor, I was a black sheep among high-school girls. My mother made me carry around a donut pillow (the one for hemorrhoids) for a month during freshmen year #itotallyfitin. During college, I had three more tumors, 8 brain tumors and all the ugly things that go with the diagnosis including intensive surgeries, multiple chemotherapies and radiation. I remember a moment in time when I was walking across campus, with my brunette wig and my carnival-inspired cane, thinking about the cute guy in business class and how he would never be attracted to this version of myself. I didn’t have very many friends, I had no acquaintances and I struggled to connect with people my own age because we had completely different priorities. Besides my family and some very close friends, I was alone in my world and struggled with finding myself in a body that couldn’t find the energy to live life.

Cancer is especially lonely when you are a young adult, with your mind maturing much faster than your heart. When your body is being attacked by drugs and disease, and your soul is beyond tired, it is hard to stay in touch with real life. That is why when I first discovered Stupid Cancer four years ago, I was in absolute awe that there were others similar to me… people who understand why your body is not working properly and who love life simply because they are alive. I had no idea what I was missing in my life. I have a community now, where there is so much beauty and kindness, where people only give love and support and understanding because they ‘get it’. This place gave me the confidence to really take a deeper look into my life and question what I really want from it. I started making friends, going out on the weekends and finding inspiration to try all sorts of new projects.

Something I still struggle with is how to stay in touch with reality. I have set goals in my life to make more friends, to find love (even if it is just friends) and to follow dreams, but no one seems to talk about how to handle crazy bosses, entitled clients and the every day, miniscule tasks that seem worthless in the bigger picture. Now that I have a second chance at a relatively normal life, I question if I am doing what I am supposed to do, if I am following the right dreams and if I am ever going to be successful. What I do know is you have to take time to look inside yourself to see what you really want from life, be selfish about it and make it happen!