Toxic
July 23, 2015
By: Vicky Gauthier
(January 11, 2012) This morning life is like a dream. I’m breathing better than I have in the last two months, and I have no more pain in my lungs! I can stand up quickly without coughing or choking, which was still extremely difficult even yesterday. My head hurts a little, but that’s it. Even the muscle spasms in my back that were getting more and more painful have disappeared. Not to mention the energy and the appetite that these famously helpful corticosteroids are giving me! Methylprednisone is the name of the steroid that I am just flipping out over because the effects are so wow. They’ve also administered antifungal agents to prevent negative effects from the methylprednisone. I am stunned. After having read entire pages that listed the possible negative effects these medications would have on me, I was terrified at the idea of taking them. Instead of just telling us about the potential negative effects of treatments, they could also tell us about the good ones, it would really help us to be less scared! If only chemo was just that though… I know that the rest is going to be much more difficult, so I’m taking full advantage of these 3 beautiful days I have leading up to my chemo treatment.
(January 12, 2012) I got some weird news: from here on out I will be toxic! Oh yes, toxic! That means that my saliva, my tears, my sweat, and… the fluids produced when we love each other deeply, let’s say… will be toxic! That’s a big blow! I’ll have to disinfect my toilet or flush twice every time I use it, and disinfect my sheets with bleach – a substance I had banned from my life because when I use it I tend to create more stains on black clothing than I can remove from my whites! My kids won’t be able to come sleep in my bed anymore… and so many other complications. We’ll even have to use condoms! That is something completely foreign to our couple. It’s crazy!
There is also better news: the famous drain that the thoracic surgeon installed on December 27th to remove the water from around my lungs should finally be taken out on Friday! Hooray! Not that I really have much desire to see that surgeon again! But since the mass is shrinking, it shouldn’t cause more fluid to build up, so I have no need for the drain anymore. I’m so chatty today, but as of tomorrow and in the days following, things will be less joyful and I’ll surely have to be more brief, so I’m taking advantage of my last day of respite. And I must have put on about 5 pounds since the steroid injections, I could eat a whole cow a day!
Tomorrow the hard treatments start. I’ll be given vincristine and prednisone. Vincristine causes nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps, nerve irritation, and of course my hair will start to fall out… In the pamphlet they list all these crazy negative effects and all kinds of other rare ones that I’ll spare you from reading about, but not anywhere do they mention what good the drug does! So I did some research: vincristine is a derivative of a plant that reduces cell division (it prevents cancer cells from reproducing). Cancer cells are more sensitive than healthy cells and vincristine will stop them from sticking together and causing large masses like the one I have. Another beast demystified! Now that I know all this, I’m a little less scared to take it! Prednisone is another type of corticosteroid. It acts as an anti-inflammatory along the same lines as what I’ve been taking for 3 days already…
(January 13, 2012) I learned how my blood count will be modified in order to kill the cancer. It’s pretty interesting. First thing to know is that I currently have 19 700 white blood cells per drop of blood, and I have 106 000 red blood cells, which is not a lot. That’s because my white blood cells have gone crazy from the illness and are eating my red ones. Next, I have 467 000 platelets per drop of blood, which is a lot and helps my blood to clot. Finally, I have 18 200 neutrophils per drop of blood, and all that should have to fall to almost zero. They will only try to spare the precious red blood cells that bring oxygen to my organs. That’s what all this chemotherapy will do, to put it vulgarly: it will kill my blood!
I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night. I cried a lot. My mom gave me a little light-up bear to brighten up some of my darkest nights, but even that didn’t really help. I know that this morning is when my strength will really be put to the test… I wonder how my body will react. They always say that no one responds the same and that the first few days you don’t really feel any of the effects, but… I also cut my hair again, the last step before shaving my head, and that’s really hard too. Oof, I’d like to take a walk in someone else’s shoes today!
I’m holding on to the idea of the spring that will melt the winter that has invaded me. I’m trying to see, to smell the flowers that I’ll have the chance to see in a few months. I have to push through otherwise I won’t get to see any more of this wonderful world that surrounds me… I’ll go now, and to all those who have children, please give them a hug on my behalf, I’m really missing my own. I love you all and thank you so much for your ongoing support! Have a good day, savour your life!
