Telling it like it is – Disclosing your cancer history

August 7, 2014
By: Anne Katz PhD, RN

One of the biggest issues for single cancer survivors who are interested in dating is if and when to tell a prospective partner about the cancer. And when you tell, how much do you tell?

There is no right or wrong answer; it all depends on what you are comfortable with and your past experience telling others. If the last time you told someone you met that you had cancer they got that “deer in the headlights” look, stammered or fell silent and you never saw them again, then you might be really reluctant to disclose your history. But if you have had good experiences disclosing in the past you may decide to be upfront with everyone and not worry about other people’s responses to you.

Here are some suggestions for how to disclose:

How Much Do You Tell?
· It all depends on what you are comfortable disclosing.
· A good place to start is to state simply: “I had cancer ___ months or years ago.”
· Wait for a response. If they don’t say anything immediately, don’t try to fill the silence. (This is big stuff, and they may need to collect their thoughts for a few moments.)
· If they change the subject, it may mean that they aren’t able to process this and you need to ask them at another time what they think or feel about your disclosure.
· If they ask you to tell them more about what happened, you can start simple and let their questions guide how much detail to give.
From This Should Not Be Happening: Young Adults and Cancer (Hygeia Media 2014; used with permission)

Some people want to tell on the first date (or meet-up for coffee if it’s not a date!), others wait until the second or third time they see that person (avoiding the TMI issue by telling too soon). Others involve their friends to “spill the beans” – with permission of course – and in that way, they protect themselves and the potential partner from having to deal with the response.

Whatever you decide to do, remember that you can’t control how others act or react, you can only control YOUR reaction to their actions. So if someone is not interested in you, move on. There’s someone out there who will see you for who you are.