Cancer and the Single girl
May 11, 2013
By: Naaz Ali
I was definitely that little girl. The one who played dress up and pretended to get married to Prince Charming (an upside down mop), who reenacted scenes from fairy tales (I had the kissing scene from Sleeping Beauty down pat) and had hundreds of weddings for Barbie and Ken. Each time ended in happily ever after. So when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma at the age of 19, and relapsed at 20 and 25 as a single woman, my dreams of having my own happily ever after seemed further and further out of my reach.
There are many challenging things about being a cancer survivor. I had to learn how to walk again, deal with the side effects of chemo, a stem cell transplant, and spinal surgery, learn how to be a functioning member of society again, and deal with the psychological burdens of relapsing. But for me, one of the most difficult parts of my journey has been the absence of a partner. Sure, I have a wonderful mother, without whom I couldn’t have gotten through the trials of my illness. I thank God everyday for blessing me with her love. But as a woman who is nearing 30 and who has dealt with cancer for her entire adult life, dating has been a challenge. Like any other woman, I have funny stories, stories that make you cringe and stories that make you sigh with delight. But the story I am missing is the one with the happy ending.
Going for checkups at the cancer clinic, I often see elderly couples sitting together, a husband and wife, providing one another with silent love and support. At a retreat I attended for young adult cancer survivors, survivors attended with their supporters, which, more often than not, included their significant others. The love between them was palpable as they held hands, finding strength in simple acts of comfort. Witnessing these acts of pure love made me happy, as I saw that intense, forever, soul mate love did exist. But at the same time I also felt terrible sadness and fear, knowing I had not experienced this tenderness and wondering if I ever would.
These mixed emotions led me on a wild goose chase, as I searched for the love I was yearning for, unsure if I would ever find it, wondering if perhaps I was too damaged by the cancer and my past to even be loved by someone. One day, I realized that in order to be truly happy, I needed to release this belief. I needed to release the chase and free myself in the process. I have since found solace in the fact that I have become my own partner, supporting myself in my quest for health and happiness. And when I see a couple strolling down the street, hand in hand, I smile and send them love, because I know one day soon, that love will find me too.
