Featured Fighter – Julie Szasz
March 10, 2015
By: Julie Szasz
BASIC INFO:
Name: Julie Szasz
Age: 35
Hometown: St-Lazare, QC
Occupation: Mother, cancer advocate
Diagnosis: Metastatic Breast Cancer
If you were a professional boxer or wrestler, what would your name be?
Sassy-fu
HER FRIGHT:
When I was first diagnosed, I was alone with the doctor. He was very encouraging. I was worried but confident at the same time that this operation would make the cancer disappear. Chemo and radiation followed with all of the associated side effects.
In 2012, almost 2 years later, the cancer resurfaced in my bones. That has to be one of the moments when I was the most scared. I could feel the pain of the metastases in my bones. It was real. The fear was real. When the doctor tells you the cancer has metastasized, you think about death. I was overtaken by the fear that I wouldn’t live to see my daughter grow up.
For almost a year after that, I lived with worry and in the unknown every day. The pain weighed heavily on me. Treatments, operations, and medications followed one after the other. All this to see what would work to stabilize the cancer. The fear that nothing will work is always present.
HER FIGHT:
The first time you undergo an operation and they put you under general anaesthesia, a generalized anxiety sets in. There is no longer room for rationality in your mind. The worst is right next door. Trembling, tears, and nervousness take over. And then, we are wheeled out of the operation room. It’s done, we will survive. But it’s only the very beginning of a new life. Undergoing operations, chemo, radiation, changes us. Being at the mercy of machines, medications, doctors, and nurses makes us feel vulnerable. We become more comfortable with this vulnerability, and it turns into strength.
Being strong also means experiencing our emotions, giving ourselves time, sharing, isolating ourselves, surrounding ourselves. The big challenges occur regularly, because we have to create an equilibrium that gives us peace. This equilibrium will change according to our state of mind and energy level. We have to stay open to consistently reconsidering everything, and re-evaluating our priorities depending on the day. It is difficult to think ahead and make long-term plans. We have to live our lives one day at a time.
FIGHTING HER FRIGHT:
Everyone encouraged me, telling me that I was young and that chance was on my side. I would need to be positive and not give up.
Besides that, the presence of my daughter, Eva, then 2 years old, further reinforced the idea that all this would be in the past soon enough. Eva has always been and continues to be my ally through all of this. If I didn’t have to take care of her every day, I might have given up. Or at least that’s what I thought.
The support from the cancer community is not superficial. I would’ve liked for there to have been more emphasis on the support systems that exist. Feeling alone and not finding a space to fully experience one’s emotions and feel understood is really destabilizing. At the start, we don’t necessarily know or understand what it is we need.
Looking back, what is the most helpful is to be able to experience our emotions, whatever they are. Having a medical team that understands the totality of the patient is essential. Each step through the illness means new anxiety, uncertainty, breakdowns, and these lead to many thoughts and questions. We have to surround ourselves with people who give us space to ask these questions and share our fears.
