Featured Fighter – Justine Mallah
May 15, 2013
By: Justine Mallah
BASIC INFO:
Name: Justine Mallah
Age: 23
Hometown: I grew up in Brampton, but now I’m living in Ottawa.
Occupation: Master’s student
Diagnosis: Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, stage 4
If you were a professional boxer or wrestler, what would your name be? The Hugger …and my outfit would have a great big orange peace sign in the centre!
HER FRIGHT:
Like many other fourth-year university students my age, I was living away from home, I was becoming independent, and I was more than eager to finish my bachelor’s degree. My future goals played a large part in my decision making since I was always thinking and planning for the future. Although I looked stressed more than half the time, nobody would have looked at me and thought that I was unwell.
I, on the other hand, suspected that something was wrong. I woke up most mornings struggling to breathe. Yet strangely, taking my asthma medication regularly, as well as making sure that my room was constantly dust-free, didn’t really help. I also developed very itchy rashes on my legs, feet and face, which would not disappear, not even with the help of prescription products. I visited the doctor at school, my family doctor and the walk-in clinic quite a few times that year. Blood test after blood test showed that my white blood cell count was high, but there was never any follow-up other than asking me if I had flu-like symptoms (which I didn’t).
The symptom that freaked me out the most was a quarter-sized lump that appeared on the right side of my neck during the winter exam period. I was so weirded out that I made all my close friends feel it and give me their opinions. Of course, everyone told me to go see a doctor. To my relief, my doctor told me not to worry. He said that if it got bigger or started to hurt, then we should get it checked out. Since this mysterious lump wasn’t causing me any pain, I decided not to stress about it. After all, I already had enough to worry about like school assignments and finding a summer job.
When a second lump developed near my collarbone a couple of months later, my doctor instructed me to get an ultrasound done. The doctors told me that I had lung disease called sarcoidosis. When I asked if there were any other possibilities of probable illnesses, my new lung doctor asserted that he was “99% certain that I had sarcoidosis and that the other possibilities weren’t good” so he didn’t find it purposeful to discuss them. Six tests later… turns out I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma, stage 4.
HER FIGHT:
Before I knew it I was back in Brampton, living with my parents. Because I was diagnosed at a different hospital, it took a full month before I found a doctor in the GTA and started treatment. I had 16 biweekly treatments (8 cycles) of ABVD chemo.
Every patient reacts differently to their treatment. For me, chemo Wednesdays were the absolute worst! I suffered from anxiety-induced nausea which made the experience that much more unpleasant. Eventually I was prescribed Ativan to take right before chemo appointments, which really helped, and I also chewed gum to get the saline taste out of my mouth. I pretty much remained in bed the first week following every chemo appointment, since I felt like I had a week-long hang over. But by the second week, I felt fine.
Leaving Ottawa to live with my parents, as much as I love them and am thankful, was particularly hard to accept. I had just graduated from university, moved into a new place, landed an awesome summer job and was looking forward to starting my masters in the fall. I felt like I was on the right track and everything was coming together. Then boom: my life was shattered. In a flash, everything I had worked so hard for was gone, taken away from me without my permission, and it wasn’t fair. But there was nothing I could do but cry.
FIGHTING HER FRIGHT:
Not only did it feel like I had lost everything, but it also felt like I was set back. “I am now going to be behind everyone else,” I would mutter to myself so often that the thought kept me up at night.
Until one night, I had had enough! I couldn’t bear to accept that I would waste an entire year lying around watching television, not accomplishing anything. My solution: I wrote a list. No, I’m not talking about a bucket list. This was a list of goals like “self-improvement,” “give back to the community,” and fun activities that I just “never had time for” but were always in the back of my mind. The list only included stuff that I wanted to do and would enjoy. It was titled “What I want to accomplish by the time I’m better.”
I started painting again, which quickly became my favourite hobby. The paintbrush provided me with an outlet to release my emotions in a positive and creative way, and I just loved the “proud” feeling I got when I would hang the finished piece on my wall. I also volunteered in the music department of my high school. I tutored a couple of hours every week. I regularly skyped with my aunt in Lebanon, and started learning Arabic. In only a few months, I was writing sentences! I read a lot of books. I became a serious foodie. I started to blog. I even taught my new puppy lots of tricks! Keeping busy with activities that I enjoyed often led me to forget all about cancer. Words cannot express how good that felt. I’m not going to lie; I still watched a lot of television, especially during the weeks that I felt like crap. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.
Looking back, it’s ironic that the year I thought would go to waste is the year I now consider to have learned the most. I learned so much about myself that if I tried to write it all down, I would still be writing. But I will include one lesson: while future goals are important, we all need a balance between work and fun. There will always be an endless amount of work to do, so instead of trying to finish it, we need to know when to step back, take a break and paint! I will admit I still need to remind myself of this sometimes.
