Fighting the fright through spirituality

May 29, 2013
By: Elaine Cleary

Confusion, sadness, denial and a sense of helplessness are the feelings I had when my daughter was first diagnosed with cancer. As difficult as it was to do, I felt I had to push through those feelings and be strong for her. One thing she didn’t need was negativity or a mom who was a basket case. I had to put on those big girl panties and dig right in!

Despite my outwardly strong front, the fear would creep in at night; I would often wake up and reflect on the day’s events. I thought it was wrong that my daughter had to go through numerous rounds of chemotherapy and be as sick as a dog. I was really ticked off. I couldn’t understand why God had let this happen to her, and I wondered what I had done in my life that had made him so mad at me. I could have chosen to allow that resentment to prevail, but instead, I decided to embrace my spirituality to help me deal with the fear and anger.

I began a spiritual journey that has now changed how I feel about faith and prayer. Being brought up Catholic, I was used to saying prayers by repetition. Not that that’s a bad thing, but most of the time I was not thinking about the words. I wasn’t really getting the comfort that I was seeking, and so I began to explore bookstores for new approaches. I found some great modern day prayer books that, to this day, give me guidance and peace. One book in particular, which is a favorite of mine, is The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. I can’t tell you how many times I picked up that book and randomly found the perfect prayer.

Over time, I became very interested when others would tell me stories about various saints. I had never really paid much attention to saints, but when I was introduced to a modern day one, I was intrigued. Saint André, canonized in 2010, is one who I’ve been praying to over the last few years. I’m intrigued by his life, since he was alive in Quebec in the 1930s, and I love to read about his miracles. Let’s just say we are great buddies now, and I can say that because apparently he had a great sense of humor!

My spiritual journey also involved openly asking for and receiving prayers. I would get great comfort when family and friends would tell me that they were praying for our daughter. It was amazing how simple quotes from the bible, which occasionally came from some wonderful co-workers of mine, gave me such comfort and peace. I never paid much attention to the bible before cancer, but now I find myself reading it all the time.

All this is to say that for me, this new and improved spirituality has comforted me and has given me courage and hope. My quiet time each day is a time to reflect, ask for help and say thank you for prayers that have been heard. When I am afraid I open my prayer books to find peace.