What Keeps Me Going – The Present Love (Being a Mom with Metastatic Breast Cancer)
November 25, 2014
By: Julie Szasz
As I was walking my puppy this morning, thoughts came to my mind: I started wondering what has kept me going in the last 5 years. Yes, soon it will be 5 years since my first diagnosis with stage 2b breast cancer. After surgery, chemo, radiotherapy, hormonal therapy, menopause 3 times, a separation, a fight for custody, a somewhat getting back to normal, the cancer coming back in my bones, another surgery, new treatments… it goes on…
I will be 35 this month. My daughter is 7 and a half (yes, half is important at that age!).
I am now confronted with this chronic illness in my day-to-day life. Having metastatic breast cancer has forced me to take it a day at a time. Throughout these last 5 years, my daughter has been a source for my fight. Having her has meant that I have no choice but to wake up each morning, even when my body/mind does not feel like it. She has helped me take things as they come, because that’s what children do. They live in the present, and at this point that is all that matters: The Present.
Having a dog has also been a blessing, probably for similar reasons. This little puppy does not give me any choice: she wakes early and I have to care for her. The love in those puppy eyes is unconditional. Having her by my side makes me move. Moving makes me feel alive. Yes, I am tired, but at least I feel better when I know I went for a walk and I was breathing fresh air. We can all rest after a good walk.
There is a sense of pride associated with being a mother. And pursuing this life commitment with an illness that has no pity makes me appreciate the time I spend with my loved ones even more. Throughout all this, I can only hope that after my time comes, my daughter will be proud of who she is and will always see her mom in herself. Call it egotistical, I don’t care: she is who she is because of how I raise her and what she’s gone through by my side. She has grown up seeing and feeling her mom struggle, fight, and be weak. But she also sees her mother go on, make meals every day, and do homework, laundry, run errands, volunteer at school, take care of family and friends, and go to the hospital. This child is so loved. Of course I don’t do it all alone, but I try. When I can’t, it’s ok, and she knows. She loves me.
Taking care of myself does not mean I put aside my child or other responsibilities. It only makes me better able to tackle it all. It’s all about love and who you love. I choose to love myself, my family, and my friends. Everything else is second. If I got it wrong, so be it. It feels right for now.
