Back to Work… Forward into the Future
October 1, 2015
By: Steve Heaviside
One question people consistently asked while I was nearing the end of chemotherapy was “Are you gonna go back to work?” It was a complicated question. For months, battling cancer was my job. Anybody who’s been diagnosed quickly realizes why people use words like “the fight” and “battle” when referring to cancer. They aren’t metaphors. As terrifying and as difficult as it was though, it did have its upside. It gave me purpose, inspiration and a new perspective. After all that, after finally being declared cancer-free, I would just go back to my day job like nothing happened? It kinda felt like an anticlimactic story. I had promised myself that when I got healthy, I would live life to its fullest, appreciate the small things, pursue my dreams and make a difference in this world. How could I just go back to my old daily routine, bearing the weight of trivial complaints and unnecessary workplace drama?
But, go back to my old day job I did. It was hard to find my footing at first. My post-chemo stamina wasn’t great and I still had “chemo brain days” that left me feeling vulnerable, spaced out and angry and frustrated with my own body and mind. Some co-workers ascended the ladder of friendship and their support made work something to genuinely look forward to each week. It helped to get out of the house, make a little bit of money and be social and useful for a few hours. In my first few months back, I was consistently exhausted almost immediately but I downplayed it to everybody around me (and drank a ton of coffee). I didn’t want anybody’s pity. I merely wanted the same amount of respect and opportunities as anyone else in my position. It’s a decision I’m glad I made. However, I didn’t want to lose focus on all of my new post-cancer goals. I can’t worry about asking for time off or let the day-to-day minutiae of work interfere with the important things.
Jim Carrey recently said in a commencement speech that we sometimes choose “fear disguised as practicality” over love. It’s true. We want to swim with the dolphins or spend a weekend in Vancouver, but we also have medical bills. We have more follow-ups and more CT scans ahead of us. What if we have a recurrence and we need more treatment? We try to have an emergency fund, just in case. What would people say if we just up and quit our jobs because we realize that “life is short”? This balancing act can be dizzying and stressful sometimes for a cancer survivor. All my life I heard clichés like “you have to follow your dreams while you can,” “you’ll see people’s true colors when the chips are down,” etc. and I rolled my eyes at them. In my post-cancer life, they stopped being clichés and became completely true statements. I had the evidence in front of me constantly. I can’t take my eye off of the prize. I have to keep following my dreams… with a side of practicality to pay off those medical bills.
No one expects us to change our lives or the world overnight. Just putting your head down and doing some tolerable work with some people who are a joy to be around, while you pursue your dreams slowly but surely; there is a quiet grace in that and we should take a second to relax and enjoy it and give ourselves some credit for taking on so much. Maybe tomorrow we’re all making an intolerably rude person a latte or sitting in a cubicle trying to meet an impossible deadline, but in a further off tomorrow, maybe we’re achieving dreams we never imagined possible. We’ll take a chance and we’ll see. That’s life.
