My summer vacation from Cancer
November 10, 2013
By: Sarah Haque
This summer I took a vacation. I didn’t go anywhere exotic, I didn’t sip fancy cocktails with umbrella straws, I didn’t lounge in a chair wearing a floppy hat. In fact, I didn’t even leave my house. This summer I took a vacation from cancer.
I was diagnosed with stage IV non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma in the summer of 2011; suffice it to say that entire summer was spent under a gloomy cancer cloud. Before the diagnosis I felt incredibly ill and this kept me from doing anything enjoyable that summer. In March of 2012 I was declared to be in remission – what an odd feeling that was – and after thinking I had been so great and fine and positive throughout treatments, here I was feeling strange and unlike myself. I was no longer great and fine and positive; instead I was anxious, angry and lonely. These feelings lasted well into the summer of 2012. Then I went on Retreat Yourself East with Young Adult Cancer Canada and it was the most amazing experience of my life. Having the opportunity to truly connect with individuals who understand you so completely helped me immensely, however for a second year my summer was consumed by cancer.
This year I went into summer with the idea that I absolutely had to enjoy every moment of it because I would be starting my graduate degree in the fall. I have known for some months that the topic of my research would be cancer-based: I feel a strong urge to provide research for those patients who will follow us and feel the same isolation we felt and continue to feel. Ultimately I would love to add to that small amount of young adult focused research, and this may lessen the feelings of isolation by helping young adults realize that they matter and are important and are not forgotten in the literature. I realized it would probably be hard to spend an entire year so focused on cancer when I really hadn’t even focused on it much when I was actually sick. Whether or not my decision for a vacation was conscious or not, I have no idea. All I know is I avoided cancer as much as I possibly could, and upon further reflection, I realized that I was scared.
When people would come to me to tell about someone they knew who was recently diagnosed, I would find myself feeling very sorry for this person but pushing these feelings aside. If I was watching something on TV and suddenly the story turned to cancer, I would switch the channel or leave the room. Upon further reflection I realized I didn’t even see any of my amazing friends who have gone through similar struggles as I, and this is probably because they also reminded me of cancer.
I am sorry for my cancer vacation. I miss those friends. I realize now that I was scared. For so long I have felt so great and haven’t given much thought to cancer and how it has impacted my life. I was afraid that in my time away from school with actual time to think, I might think too much about cancer, if that is even possible. I was scared that I would have to remember terrible moments, I was scared I would become emotional, and I was scared that it might be unacceptable to still have some of these emotions when I have been in remission for over a year. I was very scared of what this year might bring with my research. I am still scared, but I’m trying to think of the 22-year-old sitting in Sunnybrook two years ago who showed no fear, because she and I are one and the same and I will gain strength from her. In moving forward I will try not to hide from cancer, not to vacation from cancer, and more importantly not to vacation from feelings in general.
